“Be Emotionally Available Before You Invite Me Over”

Ahhh. Jay Z’s 4:44 album. So many good one-liners. So many raw emotions that we rarely hear a man acknowledge out loud, let alone Jay Z! Except maybe on “Song Cry”🤔 but nonetheless, I am hear for it. I wish all people, men and women alike, would get more in tune with their emotions. Get serious about their emotional health. Prioritize their emotional intelligence. Communicate honestly about their emotional state. The world would be a better place, I’m certain.

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The title of this post was inspired by Jay Z’s title track 4:44, where he so humbly acknowledges “I suck at love. I think I need a do-over. I would be emotionally available ‘fore I invited you over” and I hollered and threw up both my hands when I heard it. That was it!! This line struck a nerve. 

According to Match.com- “The term “emotionally unavailable” usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy. Relationships with emotionally unavailable people are often depressing and distressing, as their partners end up feeling neglected, unloved and unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people will actually seek out relationships with others, but the problems begin when they are unable to commit fully to their relationships. Because emotionally unavailable people often behave as if they want to be in a relationship, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs that a person is emotionally unavailable.”
Having recently got out of, what I once considered, a “relationship” with an extremely emotionally unavailable man – I wished that he would have granted me that ever so thoughtful courtesy. Please be emotionally available BEFORE you invite me over! Don’t come for me a minute before then. When you send for me, pursue me, hell…before you think about approaching me…be READY for me. Like, for real. Ask yoself, say “Self, am I ready to offer her what I’m about to say I’m offering?” Do an internal inventory. Do you have the tools and the capacity? If there is even a sliver of uncertainty, nah fam. Slam the brakes and swing a U-turn. This whole encounter is a tragedy waiting to unfold and it really doesn’t have to be. There are certain instances where “faking it til you make it” does not apply. This is exhibit A. He kept saying he WAS available, ready and knew what he wanted in the beginning. His certainty convinced me. And initially, his actions were in alignment. LIES. People will drag you along, if you let them, in hopes that they can pull it together at some point-even if they know it won’t be anytime soon.

What’s worse, I believe that he IS a decent human being. I believe that he legitimately meant well. Yet, some of the most fucked up things started with good intentions. Big Sean said “what’s the perfect girl if its not the perfect time?” Sean, the answer is – she’s actually NOT the perfect girl….at least NOT for YOU…NOT at that time. So leave her be. Don’t try to make it be the right time when you know good and well its not. Potentially at another time she could be or could have been. But…if you and that “perfect” guy/girl get together at the wrong time? The perfect time may never be an option. Too much damage and disappointment has been done to even consider the possibility of a do-over.

Let me be clear, I too have been, currently am, and potentially will be emotionally unavailable at times in the future. We all have our moments. Yet- in my humble opinion- we all have a responsibility to honestly communicate that to those with whom we potentially want more from or who want more from us. People are far too comfortable with over promising and under delivering. Most people can handle the truth and would actually prefer it. Imagine that!!! Most of us are adults! Treat us as such. Communicate. If you feel something, say it. If you change your mind, say that too.

So consider this a PSA my good intentioned people: Invest some time in self-awareness. Take a personal inventory of your mental and emotional availability and your maturity, and then operate in that awareness. Don’t go around promising people the moon, when you know you don’t have the moon to give. Regardless of how much you would like to have it to give it. Knowing what I know now, would I do it all again? Absolutely. Life is for the living. You win some, and ya learn some.

 

XO ❤

Loni

P.S. – Let me take some ownership too I suppose. When I started to see that the promises were falling short, or the vibe no longer felt authentic – instead of trusting the words, I should have trusted my gut. My intuition had BEEN telling me this person was unavailable, and his conflicting moments of truth did too, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Even when what it wants isn’t reality, we can convince ourselves that it is or one day will magically begin to be. Staaaaahhhhpit! (Stop it) It doesn’t work. That never ends well for the dreamer. You can’t wish someone ready. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. So when your intuition speaks to you, honor it and act on it. The sooner you let go of what isn’t working, the sooner you can find what does. The journey continues.

P.p.s- do you watch Insecure? Lawrence is a prime example of not being emotionally available. But he is going through all the motions with his new boo that would potentially confuse her into thinking he is. 

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2 thoughts on ““Be Emotionally Available Before You Invite Me Over”

  1. soulsavant says:

    A major problem, though, is whether people actually recognize that they are emotionally unavailable. Most people in the weeds of unavailability believe their game is Trump tight (pun intended). That is the essence of a defense mechanism. Bending reality in a way that protects the person’s skewed view on relationships. If you are emotionally unavailable and don’t yet realize it, you believe it’s everyone else. That you have to act this way, or treat people a certain way, or keep people at arms length until they prove themselves worthy (in reality until you subdue you fears enough to move to stage 2). The key is to understand our own shit. Get open and honest with ourselves and understand the function of our own behavior. Having done that, you can then better understand the things others are working with and you will able to see it more clearly so you don’t have to wait for them to tell you that they’re unavailable — you’ll see it for yourself. Offer a hand but ready to move on if they’re too entrenched in the foxhole. The war may be over but PTSD is real AF.

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    • lhswain says:

      Touché!! I can acknowledge that it’s very idealistic to expect or hope that you meet someone who is aware enough and honest enough to communicate where they are emotionally when you meet them. Ultimately, the true power and goal is to be aware enough in yourself to be able to identify where you are and what you need from others and how to act swiftly when those needs aren’t being met. However, I will continue to operate in my awareness and hope that others will too. This is just my wishful thinking rant. Thanks for reading and sharing your perspective.

      Like

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